Monday, January 30, 2012

The way I want to Love

It feels like i have been gone from my blog for so long, my life has been busy.  Being a mom, a caregiver, a sister, a daughter, a friend, so many hats for one to wear.  I recently watched a video on you tube.

 I found myself beginning to realize that my most important role, daughter of God, was being pushed aside.  I had worked so hard to build it up, speak to him daily, thank him for the good, and ask him to guide me in the bad.  I guess when things are so good i forget that he is a jealous God.  He wants me, cares for me, his heart yearns for me. 

Part of my new years resolution was to learn to love a little more like Jesus.  I've sat down and wrote half of i don't know how many blogs i wanted to post to share with my friends and family.  I'm living in a way i never thought possible.  After i made this resolution a friend posted "We as humans see people as worms, God sees them as beautiful butterflies!"  This made me take a closer look at how i view others around me, not just family and friends, the individuals i work with, co-workers, neighbors, people at the store, anyone i come into contact with.  As a human it is natural to take a glance and make a judgement or notice the undesirable, but thinking about how beautiful each life is totally made me see the beauty, the goodness, the heart of these people.  Just because i started viewing others as butterflies and not worms was just the first eye opener. 

1. God's love is merciful (full of compassion, providing relief).
"But God, who is rich in mercy because of His great love with which He loved us." - Eph. 2:4

2. God's love for us is beyond our human comprehension.
"May be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height. To know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; and you may be filled with all the fullness of God." -Eph.3:18-19

3. God's love for us is supreme, he sacrificed his only son for the us.
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." -John 3:16

4. God's love for us, as His children, who he choose to create. He did not have to but He choose to.
"Having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will. To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved." - Eph.1:5-6.

5. Nothing can separate us from God's love.
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created things, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom. 8:38-39

Jariah is awake.....until next time please ponder how it is that you show love, weather its to our heavenly Father, your family, your your significant other.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Why Im Waiting

Going home presents many challenges before me, one of which is the choice to be physically intimate.  I just wanted to take a minute to think of why i have changed, as well as remembering the promise I have made.  Thus setting boundaries before action instead of the other way around.  Remembering who I have become and why i am so proud of myself.

In, what seems like my past life, i never thought twice about my human wants and desires.  I thrived on the feelings of desire, lust, and power.  Knowing that a man desired me, by veins would pump (throb) with lust, and after we were intimate I would be left feeling powerful.  Time and time again it worked like a charm to fulfil my lonely heart, let me forget the past, and suppress the feelings of unworthiness.  So after the night was over and my bed was made was I happy?  Maybe for a day, maybe for a week, but it always left me with the awful feelings that made me chasing once again.  Stuck in a horrible cycle, I knew this wasn't who i was meant to be, but how was i going to make it stop. 

In an on and off again relationship that lasted for three years (giant waste of three years), I became pregnant.  I was "In Love" and he was running as far and as fast as he possibly could.  As my belly began to grow and i began thinking about my little boy, i wondered if i would be a good mother.  Would i be a human being that my son was proud of?  What morals and boundaries would i want my son to learn from me?  What did i want him to know was most important in life? 

Well, i knew i wasn't proud of the person i had become, and it needed to change quickly.  I was going to teach my son how to be a real man.  And what better example than our Heavenly Father to help me teach him the way.  My friend Sarah (read about in earlier blog) and her Husband Jed taught me so much; that God loved me even knowing my past, how to pray, how to ask for forgiveness, how to forgive myself, and most of all where i could search for all of life's answers.  One of my biggest fears in strengthening my relationship with God was questioning weather i really could be forgiven for all of the sin in my life.  And sure enough I was!  Through prayer, repentance, and a promise to the Lord through baptism.  I could feel the strength in me, the holy spirit guiding me, the worry gone.  I was a new person in the eyes of the Lord and in my heart.  Before I was baptised, I made a special promise (there were a couple); to myself, to the missionaries (people of the church), and most importantly God. 

In the LDS Church this promise is called "The Law of Chastity."  It was created straight from God's words, found in The Holy Bible.  Over and over again, his Word tells us how the power of procreation is a sacred part of his plan.  It's the greatest expression of love, that has the power to create another human being.  It's an expression of love and allows husband and wife to create human life. God commands us by letting us know through his word that the power and privilege of a sexual relationship is to only exist within marriage.  This "Law" isn't made to hold me back or take anything wonderful out of my life, It is to protect me.  To ensure that I don't ever have feelings of worthlessness and heartache as well as never ending up in the vicious cycle of lust and sin.  I made this promise because I was done with the hurt and anger, I know God is promising me so much more.  He is blessing me with peace, self-respect, and self-control.  I know that the next time I have sex, will be when i am married.  Knowing that one man wants to be with me forever, and Loving me the way God intended me to be loved, I will feel free to give myself knowing i will never look back with fear and regrets.

Love is patient, love is kind. 
It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always preservers.

Friday, September 2, 2011

God Is So Good

In the last month I haven't been active with this blog, but its not because I have lost any of what God has blessed me with, he has just blessed me even more!  God is working in me to ensure wellness; spiritually, mentally, and physically.  I have been very busy taking care of me because that's what God wants!

Giving my attention to Heavenly things such as good faith in life and love, and respecting myself as a force of love. I have read and continue to read of God's great work, gifts, and meaning for my life.  I have become closer to our Heavenly father and His Son.  This did not happen over night and is a daily practice of my life.  I cannot express how growing in spiritual health has freed me.  Of sin, worry, strife, negative thoughts, i could go on.  What has spiritual health given me; better relationships, better understanding of how God sees me and who I am able to become through Christ, peace in my heart, forgiveness and how to forgive, truth and beauty, everything I have is through Him.  I know who I am meant to become, and boy am I excited to get there one day!

Emotional wellness is made up of a lot of different parts.  Some of the things that make me a healthy emotional adult i didn't have until recently.  This continues to be a work in progress, I dont think one will always be stable with this one, but i do think it is something to strive for.  I have worked on the following to become what i believe to be emotionally well; Respect (for myself and others), discovering and developing talents (that God given me), expressing and showing love (and really knowing what love is), setting limits and boundaries for myself and my son, developing a healthy self image (by understanding that God created me and I am beautiful as well as eating healthy and working out regularly), sensing the community and world (getting out and being a part of community activities), becoming spiritually fulfilled (through bible study and prayer), identifying self and family goals, working and playing together, observing good health habits, and meeting my financial needs (even though this means being away from family and friends).  Being emotionally healthy is hard work, but with God, all things are possible!

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your ow, for you were brought with a price.  So glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20  I have been "overweight" since about the time i hit puberty, never really liked exercise, and loved to eat all things that were not healthy for me.  I have recently changed my ways, thinking of food as fuel for my temple instead of something to do.  I have begun a workout plan and started making goals, short and long term.  I have God by my side, cheering me on!  He is my strength!

It gives me strength and happiness to know that I am glorifying God spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  I am in this to endure to the end.  I know that one day, I will be in God's house proud of myself! 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Are you Beautiful?

Have you ever googled  the work Beauty?  What do you find? Do you know that only 2 percent of women would describe themselves as beautiful? Are you in that small sampling? After hearing the lies we have all been told regarding the narrow definition of beauty, I would like to redefining beauty. Only then can we know we are beautiful as well as pass along a healthy definition to our future generations.

What exactly is beauty?  Can beauty be achieved through attitude, spirit, and other attributes that have nothing to do with physical appearances?  Can a woman can be beautiful at any age.  Do all woman have something about her that is beautiful?   Most women would answer yes to all of the questions above they also believe that physical attractiveness is about how one looks, whereas beauty includes much more of who a person is.

Women rate happiness, confidence, dignity, and humor as powerful components of beauty, along with the more traditional attributes of physical appearance, body weight and shape, and even a sense of style. 

Now, stop for a minute and think about it. When you hear (or say) the phrase, "She is beautiful," is it made in reference to what is on the outside or the inside? Beauty is defined by God and God alone. He sets the standard for beauty and gives us clues throughout Scripture as to what defines a beautiful woman.

Unfortunately, the definition of beauty given by most women usually fails to recognize the key component that determines a woman's happiness, confidence, dignity, and humor. That key component, of course, is faith. Just as the Proverbs 31 passage concludes, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Faith in a loving and forgiving God will be the root of any and all manifestations of beauty. Physical beauty will fade over time, but true beauty (virtue) is timeless.

You are created in the image of God, and God doesn't make junk! Like a snowflake, every person is unique. No two are the same. God sees you as a masterpiece; and when you look in the mirror, He wants you to know it! Each morning i say to to the Lord Psalm 139:14, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well ."  It helps me to remind me that i am Gods unique and purposely made creation.

Do not consider his appearance or his height, 
for I have rejected him. 
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. 
Man looks at the outward appearance, 
but the LORD looks at the heart. 
1 Samuel 16:7

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, 
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 
Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in God's sight. 
1 Peter 3:3-4

Physical exercise has some value, 
but spiritual exercise is much more important,
for it promises a reward in both this life and the next.
1 Timothy 4:8 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Answered Prayers

Almost three years ago, I started a new job as a care coordinator.  It was an office job that made me part a team.  The team was made up of seven ladies (myself included) all come from different walks of life.  Am was  a divorcee, working an office job as well as being a bartender at night both to meet ends meet to take care of her two children.  Ka had just recently graduated from college working her first "real job."  Ke was still a student and working full time one day dreaming of becoming a police officer.  Kr was married and working her 9-5 shift and always seeming to hurt herself someway or another.  Di, a single parent to two boys who she loved more than life itself.  Even though she was a mother, a hard worker, and a really good friend, she was still voted "Freek-A-Leek" by the team!  And then there was Sarah.

Sarah was different than anyone i had ever met.  She and I didn't really have a lot in common.  She moved here from Utah, I had lived in Anchorage my whole life.  She was stead fast in her faith, I knew there was a God but never really called upon him more than the one time i really needed him.  She was confident, even though i always pretended to be I was so very far from it.  She never said a curse word, the F word slipped out of my mouth like drool after you visit the dentist. She was a virgin about to marry her life time friend and new found love, I had just broken up with by boyfriend and sleeping around once again.  She was happy, and I was struggling to find who i was so that I could get there one day.

A few months went by working closely together, and I could see that Sarah truly had some kind of secret to happiness.  She was always positive, forgiving, honest, loyal, and resilient.  We begin to forge a friendship, a friendship that would change my life forever.

A few people had quit, and Sarah had moved into my office.  Now we were two differant people, she was married, and I was newly pregnant.  We began sharing stories of life, family, love, and so much more.  After hearing more about Sarah's life, I knew quickly that i needed to change mine.  I wanted to be able to give my son a good foundation, good morals and values, and I wanted him to be happy.  

I began to ask her questions about her church, she was LDS (Latter Day Saint).  Little by little I learned about Sarah and the way her faith shaped the woman she had become.  One afternoon, I was having a really bad day; thoughts of being single and raising a baby all on my own.  It was quite over whelming.  I Broke down and cried on Sarah's shoulder, she just listened and was there for me.  She told me about the laying of hands and that her Husband held the Priest Hood and would be more than willing to say a blessing over me.  I told her I would think about it.  A few days went by and Sarah hadn't said anything about it again, but i knew that i could use a blessing.  I asked her if she had a night open that I could come over.  Sure enough the next night, I was over at Sarah's house eating dinner, listening to her share the book of Mormon with me, and I also received my first blessing.

I put my hands on my growing belly as Jed placed his hands upon my head.  As he said the blessing (a prayer of health, healing, and happiness) tears fell down my face.  I felt deep inside a sense of peace.  An overwhelming peace.  I went home that night with my own copy of The Book of Mormon and couldn't wait to discover what would be the beginning to my new life.

Over the next year, I read and read this great book!  I learned more about life, love, and happiness.  I started going to church, received the lessons, grew spiritually and challenged myself to become someone i never thought possible.  I was baptized!  I was forgiven!  I was at peace!  I was happy!

The day of my baptism, I gave my testimony and Sarah gave hers too! Tears filled the relief society room.  She had been praying for for a friend, I had been praying for a miracle.  That evening both of our prayers were answered!

For by grace are you saved through faith;
and that not of yourselves:
it is the gift of God 
~Ephesians 2:8

Sunday, August 14, 2011

From Beauty to Broken and Back Again

Today Jariah and I went walking on one of our favorite beaches here in Kodiak, Mission Beach.  If your from the island you know you have to wait for the tide to go out so there will be sand to walk on as well as be able to see the rocks so that you can find little treasures.  We make it down the little hill and to the rocks, as the rocks meet the sand you can find neatest things; drift wood, smooth weird shaped rocks, and my favorite sea glass.

Sea glass is a timeless treasure.  The journey a piece takes may have begun decades or centuries before it was found.  Sea glass starts out as refuse glass that was broken then discarded into the sea, only to find its seeming resting ground in the ocean or upon the shoreline. Yet the piece is awakened as powerful elements of sand, tide, water and weather buffet the shard over time and terrain.  It is transformed during the voyage; sanded, smoothed, hydrated & finally renewed into a gem. After a lifetime of tumbling, the colorful jewel washes up on the shore and waits to be discovered.  

After finding my first pieces of sea glass it really had me thinking about how the life of sea glass compares to ones life after sin.  First we are all born beautiful and pleasing to the world,  a Japanese glass float.  How
amazing! At an early age, you learn about God and who he is or you don't, the floats are put on boats some stay attached to the boats, and some fall off and into the depths of the oceans and seas.  Without the Lord in your life or knowledge of, and you chose to sin, you are broken apart to little pieces.  Your once beautiful life broken to pieces from sin.  You are washed away in waves, beaten against rocks, rubbed on by the rough sand (the trials in your life).  As you learn your lessons and grow closer to our savior, you make it closer to the shore.  Little by little, struggle by struggle, win by win.  One day you finally have the AH HA moment in your life where you realize without GOD you wouldn't be here, without God your sins would have never been forgiven (lost at sea forever), with God all things are possible!  When you finally make it out, you realize that you have your beauty back, your sins forgiven, a NEW you! 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Compassion is an Action!

"OMG. I hate my job and morbidly obese people who call themselves "handicapped"... bitch your just fat and lazy, not disabled. Thank you war vets who lost legs and such fighting for our freedom. They deserve special treatment, not you fatty bitch."

I woke up this morning, next to my amazing little boy this am.  We looked out the window at all the fog surrounding the island.  We snuggled a little more, then I got up out of bed to go weigh myself.  I've been really working on my weight, not to look better for anyone, but to feel better for myself.  I take the leap every morning to see what the scale screams at me, today, I had lost!  A good amount at that.  Then I make breakfast for Jariah and I we eat together as usual.  Then I check my Facebook page, first post i see is the one above. I was totally shocked!  My next thoughts went like this; I should write a comment and tell her how this makes me feel, maybe I shouldn't she might ease me from her single mother page that i really like, Oh well If she erases me this cannot go on.  I responded to her post with the following;

"This post surprised me coming from you (it would if anyone wrote it). Some people are very lazy and some people have health and/or mental conditions that cause them to be obese. The amount of fat on ones body can causes them to be handicapped. Knees cant hold them up, heart and many more health issues come with being obese. I don't know what kind of " special treatment"this person was looking for, but instead of slandering them on face book, when you may not know their specific health condition, maybe pray for them to have the strength to control their eating and health. I know that you are wanting to be an LPN, depending on what where you are placed, you may run into A LOT of obese people. 67% of the US is over weight or obese. Please think about how the person you were helping (your job) would feel if she read this post. I know i would be hurt, and i would never go back to Lowe's again. Just a thought."

I know that I have judged people in my life (never taking it more than a conversation with a trusted friend), but now I am wondering is that even right to do?  What does God say about judgment and compassion?  

To him that is afflicted pity should be showed from his friend; 
but he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. 
Job 6:14
 Remember them that are in bonds, 
as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, 
as being yourselves also in the body.
Hebrews 13:3

Who is weak, and I am not weak? 
who is offended, and I burn not?
2 Corinthians 11:29

Passage and passage again, the Lord tells us to shows compassion and sets a great example for us.  As he tells us to love each other and not pass judgment, for that is his job, we shall be blessed.  I have made judgments myself, being the human I am, but i am striving to be more like Jesus Christ. Each time i begin to pass judgment, I think to myself, what would he do in this situation?  What would he see in this person?  How can I help this person? 

The poor, the rich, the sick, the healthy, the hurting, the healed, He loved them all the same and showed compassion to everyone!  He had so much compassion for me (and you) that HE DIED for us!  So my question to myself and others;  What would you do for your Neighbor?