Sunday, September 18, 2011

Why Im Waiting

Going home presents many challenges before me, one of which is the choice to be physically intimate.  I just wanted to take a minute to think of why i have changed, as well as remembering the promise I have made.  Thus setting boundaries before action instead of the other way around.  Remembering who I have become and why i am so proud of myself.

In, what seems like my past life, i never thought twice about my human wants and desires.  I thrived on the feelings of desire, lust, and power.  Knowing that a man desired me, by veins would pump (throb) with lust, and after we were intimate I would be left feeling powerful.  Time and time again it worked like a charm to fulfil my lonely heart, let me forget the past, and suppress the feelings of unworthiness.  So after the night was over and my bed was made was I happy?  Maybe for a day, maybe for a week, but it always left me with the awful feelings that made me chasing once again.  Stuck in a horrible cycle, I knew this wasn't who i was meant to be, but how was i going to make it stop. 

In an on and off again relationship that lasted for three years (giant waste of three years), I became pregnant.  I was "In Love" and he was running as far and as fast as he possibly could.  As my belly began to grow and i began thinking about my little boy, i wondered if i would be a good mother.  Would i be a human being that my son was proud of?  What morals and boundaries would i want my son to learn from me?  What did i want him to know was most important in life? 

Well, i knew i wasn't proud of the person i had become, and it needed to change quickly.  I was going to teach my son how to be a real man.  And what better example than our Heavenly Father to help me teach him the way.  My friend Sarah (read about in earlier blog) and her Husband Jed taught me so much; that God loved me even knowing my past, how to pray, how to ask for forgiveness, how to forgive myself, and most of all where i could search for all of life's answers.  One of my biggest fears in strengthening my relationship with God was questioning weather i really could be forgiven for all of the sin in my life.  And sure enough I was!  Through prayer, repentance, and a promise to the Lord through baptism.  I could feel the strength in me, the holy spirit guiding me, the worry gone.  I was a new person in the eyes of the Lord and in my heart.  Before I was baptised, I made a special promise (there were a couple); to myself, to the missionaries (people of the church), and most importantly God. 

In the LDS Church this promise is called "The Law of Chastity."  It was created straight from God's words, found in The Holy Bible.  Over and over again, his Word tells us how the power of procreation is a sacred part of his plan.  It's the greatest expression of love, that has the power to create another human being.  It's an expression of love and allows husband and wife to create human life. God commands us by letting us know through his word that the power and privilege of a sexual relationship is to only exist within marriage.  This "Law" isn't made to hold me back or take anything wonderful out of my life, It is to protect me.  To ensure that I don't ever have feelings of worthlessness and heartache as well as never ending up in the vicious cycle of lust and sin.  I made this promise because I was done with the hurt and anger, I know God is promising me so much more.  He is blessing me with peace, self-respect, and self-control.  I know that the next time I have sex, will be when i am married.  Knowing that one man wants to be with me forever, and Loving me the way God intended me to be loved, I will feel free to give myself knowing i will never look back with fear and regrets.

Love is patient, love is kind. 
It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always preservers.

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